66. Hidden Wholeness

 #66Challenge

This is my final piece of writing for the #66Challenge, and what a wild ride it has been.

I have thought long and hard about what to write here. After taking the time to read back through all my entries, I thought I knew what I wanted to write about. It wasn't the happiest way to end this, but it felt necessary.

And that is this: Every school year, I come in with a plan of how I am going to address things like classroom procedures, design, and environment. But beginning in 2020, that became impossible, since everything was so crazy and up in the air. I had to fly by the seat of my pants, along with all the other teachers, just trying to figure everything out.

In 2021, the summer was very short, and I took two vacations with the expressed attitude that I would make no plans since I am teaching a new program and a new curriculum, they can tell me what to do. I gave it no thought.

What I wasn't prepared for was the lack of training and materials that would be coming my way. I was caught up short having relied on others. Just like the year before, it took months to figure out the best way to go. Little by little, things fell into place. And I finished the year on a real high, feeling like I had accomplished more than ever with my learners, and came through my darkest time as a teacher.  

I never got around to writing this piece. And then on Wednesday, two things I read synchronized, and I knew I had more to add.

It began with Parker J. Palmer in his essay* "Hidden Wholeness in a Broken World." He said:

As long as we're wedded to results, we'll take on smaller and smaller tasks, the only ones that yield results. If we want to live by values like love, truth, and justice -- values that will never be fully achieved -- "faithfulness" is the only standard that will do. When I die, I won't be asking about the bottom line. I'll be asking if I was faithful to my gifts, to the needs I saw around me, and to the ways I engaged those needs with my gifts -- faithful, that is, to the value, rightness, and truth of offering the world the best I had, the best I could give.

I knew this was it! I had spent a lot of time concerned about the "numbers" and totally missing what was most important in education -- time to BE with each other.

It speaks directly to where I have aimed myself for next school year, where my learners pointed me. We knew there was value in the reading program, but the kids asked for less of it. And I knew that they had not had enough time to work together, to speak to each other, to form the bonds in the room we needed. This lack of balance of other activities had left us all wanting, and was a disservice to them. And ultimately to me as well. 

By not planning to be the teacher I knew I could be from the start, I never really was able to fully recapture it. Once you're in the throes of the school year, it's hard to see everything you need to see.

My decision is to bring my loves to the forefront immediately--music and fishbowl discussions and less talk, more action. I will need patience and clear directives as we build relational trust, but, oh, the possibilities!

I am determined to bring the "hidden wholeness" to the forefront through right action. Palmer suggests helping people find the things they really want to do, not force them to do things they don't want to do. I can do this through focusing on developing good habits, taught through clear structures and protocols, and giving the learners a lot of choices in the what we do together in the classroom. Give them plenty of interaction time. Mostly, I want to have fun over and over as I watch them learn and interact and grow as readers and writers and speakers.

Then I read a short piece from Joy Harjo, and it coincided directly with what I had just read and wrote about from Parker Palmer. I wrote a short poem from it, and that is where I will leave this. I've done enough talking about my direction. Now I'm actively working on putting things in place. And I couldn't be happier!

What was known in both worlds broke. In jazz, a break takes you to the skinned-down bones. You stop for a moment and bop through the opening, then keep playing to the other side of the dark and heavy history.

 

I keep witnessing the breaks

in the world

all the goodness which

sometimes seems to have completely

disappeared.

But then I bop through it,

knowing only I can bring

faithfulness to my reason 

for being, that I have my

role to play (and others

have theirs)

This is the music

I bring to illusion

This is the hidden wholeness

of wisdom beyond.

 

 *From page 71 his book On the Brink of Everything:Grace, Gravity & Getting Old (2018)

**From page 105 from her collection Conflict Resolution for Holy Beings (2015)

Pink (nonet for a Sunday)

 

To enjoy the pink and blue sunrise

This morning, a ten minute walk

Around the block, muggy day

I was alone out there

Too early for some

Pink found me twice

Hibiscus

Wet with

Dew

65. Tribute to Kimberli

 #66Challenge

 

I could not let this project go by without acknowledging a student who will forever remain in my heart. 

I have taught thousands of students, many I have forgotten by name and face. Some I can recall a face and maybe a first name, but not a last. But in general, even with all the hours spent together, there is no space in my memory for all of them. 

However, because of the fact that I teach intensive reading, sometimes I have students more than one year. This past year I had at least five whom I taught through their whole middle school experience. And this one was a whopper, with the pandemic and all. 

Kimberli Z. stands out to me mostly because she is a dedicated reader and academic soul. She is originally from Honduras, and when she came to me in 6th grade she definitely still struggled with language. But she always loved to read, and every time I got a new book in, I gave it directly to her. One of those was The First Rule of Punk, a book I adore, and Kimberli did as well. Even this year we both continued to recommend it to other students.

The theme of the book is "Always remember to be yourself." And that is obviously Kimberli's motto as well. No matter how lazy other students in the class became, or unruly, I never had to think twice about what Kimberli was doing. She was on task, working through things, reading quietly...whatever was required.

When we shut down in March 2020, I remember Kimberli reaching out to me to help her with...math. I know she is a math whiz, but she felt the need to have a teacher helping her think things through, and for whatever reason she wanted me and not her math teacher. Even alone at home, with a gob of little brothers and sisters running around, she worked hard through whatever math we were working on (mean/median/mode, I think!)  I was grateful for the time with her, even if just on a Zoom meeting, and that day was a standout to me during a difficult time.

In 7th grade, she was a little different, but still a hard worker. She got into reading the romance type books that teens like, and so we didn't have a lot of common meeting points since I didn't tend to stock those books in my classroom. This was the year I was teaching hybrid classes, and had to assign a lot of independent work, and Kimberli just kept going, kept trying, against all odds.

In her 8th grade year I saw her really blossom. Once I gave an assignment to create a book cover for the story of your life. She created a whole booklet with all her favorite quotes and important goals and dreams. She worked on it for days. It wasn't even for a grade!

When we began the Read 180 program, she got frustrated with the independent reading segment because many of the books she had read already. I stretched to find her some things to read. In the spring, I handed her a book which I've kept on my shelf for years because I love it so much: Snowflower and the Secret Fan. I gave it to her to read and she fell right into it and had it completed in no time. She was so excited when she finished, declaring it her favorite book of all time, as it was about mother and daughter relationships in another culture. She said that was her favorite topic to read about. Of course, I had to give it to her. Right afterward I also gave her Joy Luck Club.

And let me note here that I am not the only teacher with this experience with Kimberli. One day she came in with a new book called The Firekeeper's Daughter. It was a gift from her 5th grade teacher whom she had seen the night before. She was excited to show it to me, as it had just been published. 

There is just something special about connecting to our students through literature.

Kimberli did wonderful work, but somehow stayed in intensive reading all those years. So I was delighted when I learned she had been accepted into the Florida Southwestern College high school, where she will be able to take high school courses at a level that will give her college credit, leaving there with an Associates Degree. I am not sure what the admission requirements are, but I do know other students who had applied and were not accepted. But if I know Kimberli, if she had to write an essay, she wrote the best essay possible. If she had to do a personal interview, she would have blown them away with her enthusiasm for learning. If I was running a school, I would want hundreds of Kimberlis!

When August rolls around, and my new students come in, I will be missing Kimberli's smile and presence. With any luck, a "new Kimberli" will arrive. Meanwhile, I will be praying and sending her good vibes for her new academic adventure, knowing she will give it her all and keep working to make her dreams come true.

 

 

 

64. Across a Distance

 #66Challenge

This piece was written on Thursday, June 9th in my journal, prompted by the poem "Love" by Czeslaw Milosz.

Love means to learn to look at yourself

the way one looks at distant things

For you are only one thing among many

Today I read an article about why this school year was so hard, and it broke down the pandemic repercussions on our kids. Whether it was trauma or relief, getting back to the way things were was difficult. I made a comment on the article that this is why I've felt so drained. "We teachers have been holding the world together," I said. And the thing is--we didn't know that is what we were called to do. It was thrust upon us unknowingly, and this is why after 90 days, I was ready to pack it in. 

Enough!

But once I took the larger view, as this poem suggests, it got better. 

And whoever sees that way heals his heart,

Without knowing it, from various ills.

A bird and a tree say to him: Friend.

Turning to A Course in Miracles and nature and music, I slowly recovered my part in the whole and came to know what I had to do: Be the light. From then on it was my daily mission, and I never wavered. Making that decision helped ease the road forward, and little by little, my most successful school year revealed itself.

 

Then he wants to use himself and things

So that they stand in the glow of ripeness.

It doesn't matter whether he knows what he serves:

Who serves best doesn't always understand.

I finished the school year with that feeling of ripeness, like I had brought the learners along to the best degree, and now I can move forward in even better ways. This poem reminds me again that staying in tune with the larger picture -- however we see that -- is the only thing that works. All is connected. All experiences live on in other experiences.

As I write this, I'm hearing the song "Shed Your Grace" by Rising Appalachia with Trevor Hall

I believe in holding on

Flock of prayer, mighty song

I find patience in stones

the muted Earth and she alone

Shed your grace upon us

Shed your grace upon us

Shed your grace upon us now

And this also speaks to the strong feeling I've had at this year's end, the one that helps me know I'm in the exact right place for me, that the work matters and brings meaning and purpose to me. When I hear the word "retirement," I cannot even relate! 

This is why: the larger thing, the distant view I get a sense of, but cannot see in detail, and being motivated by LOVE--patient, on-going, and difficult love.

This is grace.

The larger world lives in my every moment. Let me bring that to everything I do, for I am "only one thing among many."

 

 

Found. (7 Lines/7 Days #108)

 #108Weeks

June 5-11, 2022

[This 2 year projects draws to a close]

I gave and gave, and now I’m recovering 

Traveling to my old stomping grounds: same and different

Met a young man full of possibilities in his life, excited about the connections he’s making and the things he’s learning

Met a boy who could turn a brownie into a pancake, a ball, a mud pit

Met a 65-year-old woman who said ENOUGH and walked off her job, risks be damned

Saw the bats flying out of the chimney, Lake Erie in the distance, on a perfect June evening

Found the most important question for now: What do I want to let go of, and what do I want to give myself to? (Thank you, Parker Palmer)

To end this project, a shout out to my friend Kate who told me about Folk Alley music streaming, and I heard this song while putting together this piece— Molly Tuttle with “Good Enough”

Winding Down (7 Lines, 7 Days #107)

 #108Weeks

May 29-June 4, 2022

Setting things up for my trip to Ohio

Had a fun (but tiring) day trip to Chokoloskee

Was reminded once again how a good walk can spark creative ideas

Saw one of my favorite Creative Writing students who is now in high school. It was a joy!

Had to say goodbye to students I have taught all three years. I will miss Kimberli, Suleybi, Ayden, and Hailey

Found out a teacher across the hall and I share a mutual friend

Pedicure helped start the school year recovery