59. Sometimes I Surprise Myself

#64Challenge

This week my AP of curriculum called to ask about placement of a student in Language Live. After our conversation, I asked him what I would be teaching next year.

Keep in mind, I NEVER usually know this until at least a week ahead of school starting.

Andy told me he had me teaching all Inside curriculum -- level 2 students. Fine, as that is my wheelhouse. Sadly, we are going to a horrendous 6X6 schedule, which is difficult to fathom. All that starting and stopping, all day long!

Anyway, Andy told me I'd have four classes of 6th graders, and six classes of 7/8 graders. As I had already suspected, I will no longer be teaching creative writing. He said, "I need you in reading."

Of course, I knew that. I had just been holding out a teeny bit of hope.

When I got off the phone, I told Jim and he suggested I start a creative writing club. I was like, hell yeah!  Why not? So I'm thinking about that, and already have some support from admin.

The good part I see here: I am used to the Inside curriculum, and know how to apply the standards and bump it up.

I can stick to my overall foundation for the course I found in an article in an ASCD magazine I got at the conference last year: Identity, Mastery, and Creativity.

I will basically have one prep for the first time since the 2007-08 school year. Of course, I know I will be doing slightly different things for the younger kids, but in general the prep is the same.

The not so good part: I like variety in my days. These will be too much alike. I will have to work hard not to be bored!

I have always found it hard to remember what I told to what classes when I've taught too many alike. It used to happen when I taught 6/7.  Now with 10/12...I'm going to have to take copious notes!

Andy said he'd tried to keep the classes to 22. So, 220 students, more or less. More than I've ever had.

But I've surprised myself in that none of this bothers me. I've been sitting with this for days and it's okay. I feel that these past few months, actually since the beginning of this year, I have learned better than ever how to roll with things. I just don't feel the emotions I used to feel about this stuff. Now I know in a deeper way I can get through anything, as long as my heart and soul are in the right place.

I know what I want my kids to achieve in my class: Identity, Mastery, and Creativity. With a clear vision, anything can be accomplished. No doubt, we will get there, calmly and with purpose.

Write Around the Corner Meeting Prompts 5/30/2020

#WriteAroundtheCorner

We celebrated our 10th meeting together! 

1. We began with an invitation to write from Natalie Goldberg from her classic book Writing Down the Bones.

 

 

2. Listing: Make a list of 10 things you could write about.

3. How To.  Write instructions for anything.  Examples from the meeting: How to Walk the Beach.  How to Love Me.  How to Destroy Yourself.  How to Sing Your Favorite Song.

Elements (7/7 #2)

#108Weeks

May 24-30, 2020

 
What does it mean to be free?

The Dharma contains the elements that make up life.

More than ever, I can see how I integrate parts into a whole.

I've come a long way from the fear, agitation, and roller coaster of emotions I was feeling for weeks.

"Release the struggle" -- a new mantra.

The point is to be flexible.

I am satisfied All will be well.

Green Again

Inspired by these word by Gary Snyder in his poem "Loose on Earth"

an after,

rubble -- millennia to weather,

soften, fragment,

sprout, and green again.

After everything blows apart,

all we knew erupting into

an unrecognizable mess,

our job is to see beyond,

but damn, that is hard.

We like being shocked, bewildered;

it's a stopping point to gather

ourselves for the journey needed,

the one we didn't plan to take,

but one that might actually

lead us to what is most 

important, productive, essential,

and most of all, equitable.

Forces are already gathering

against us. There are those

willing to poison the fields.

Be aware!

58. The Rising Sun

#64Challenge

Today I am inspired by these words from Owen Sheers' poem "Tree."

...silhoutted against a reddening sky

that could be the setting or the rising of the sun

I wrote this in anticipation of learning who our new principal would be.

Today I want to feel the sun rising

on a new day for CLMS.

I know Kelly is part of the setting

sun, as she rides off into her

retirement, well-earned.

I need to believe in a rising sun

today. Everything has already 

changed. It's okay if there is

more.

Yet, I will remember a tree takes

a long time to grow, its roots

to establish, the sun and rain

in due time. Nothing will be

immediate. I will allow the

branches to establish themselves,

so they may 

grow strong.

"There's a Rainbow in the Sky"

Many, many inspirations today.

Began with this photo:

Continued with Joy Harjo's poem "In Praise of Earth," these lines in particular:

And this Earth keeps faithfully to her journey, carrying us around the Sun,

All of us in our rags and riches, our rages and promises, small talk and suffering...

I wrote:

Everything has become fodder for

writing, a spark point. There is 

a multi-dimensional aspect and

depth to uncover in everything I read.

In a time of great disparity, suffering,

loneliness, and rage,

my mind pierces the possible.

I am highly aware

that the promised moment

from many years ago

has come, when I saw, 

during a shamanic journey,

the rainbow, heard the words

 "You're the great integrator."

And today I was taken by the breathtaking

photo of a rainbow over Chicago.

I've received the sign of hope and renewal.

The painting in the sky.

This is for me.

I accept the challenge.

Then, this poem I read every day took on deeper meaning:

Cut brambles long enough,

Sprout after sprout,

And the lotus will bloom

Of its own accord:

Already waiting in the clearing,

The single image of light.

The day you see this,

That day you will become it.

~Sun Bu-er~

I saw the rainbow.

The image of light.

And it was me.

"My life is full of color here

My mind is clear."

Heart (7 Lines, 7 Days #1)

 #108Weeks

Week of May 17-23, 2020


This is based on a prompt from Write Around the Corner. I went through my journal from the past week and chose one sentence that expressed something I'm currently thinking and feeling. Starting to feel things lining up, which is exciting.

HEART

Hasn't my life been served greatly by art?

Something inside me tells me to keep going -- to keep teaching and working and being present.

Starting to think about summer.

Let me remember that I'm making effort with the best of intentions.

All I need to do is listen with my heart.

I vow in the midst of difficulties to listen deeply and love.

This past week has been the best during this whole pandemic time.

Simple Math

I never drank coffee until I met him.

Jim is a coffee fanatic. He drinks coffee all day, every day, hot or cold. And although I do not have the same kind of habit, I do enjoy two big mugs of coffee every morning. Hot, with a little cream.

I love that Jim makes the coffee. I love that we used to have a routine when we were both working full time -- he would get up and prep our coffee, bring it to me in bed, where we would lie side-by-side reading the newspaper and listening to morning radio. This was many years ago. The routines are a bit different now.

Jim cleans the coffee pot. He makes sure we always have enough on hand, and orders speciality coffees just to add a different flavor. Not like vanilla or hazelnut. Just different kinds of roasts. It's just enough to make it interesting.

Then there was that Sunday in January, the day of his stroke. When I came home after dark that evening,  I realized I would have to make the coffee. He had given me instructions before I left his hospital room. I remember how different everything in the house looked, since he wasn't there to measure out the grounds and fill the pot to the absolute top because, Lord knows, you need a LOT of coffee!

It was weird to do this on my own. It just didn't feel right.

It's simple math.

Jim + coffee = HOME.

Drinking coffee and eating beignet at Cafe Du Monde, New Orleans 2014

Write Around the Corner Prompts 5/23/2020

#WriteAroundtheCorner

Wow. What a beautiful and uplifting and truth telling meeting today.

Here are the prompts to revisit anytime.

#1. Invitation to Write

#2.  7 Lines, 7 Days

Write a sentence/feeling/thought every day for a week.
Put together into a poem.

#3. Home 

Answer the questions:
What does home look like?
What does home sound like?
What does home smell like?
What does home taste like?
What does home feel like?

Look over your list and create a poem or micro-memoir.

57. "Trying to Re-Create the World"

#64Challenge

On April 23rd this year, I received this message via the private messenger on Facebook:

I’m sure you don’t remember me. I was a student of yours 2010/2011. 

And I remember your class the most. By far, one of my favorite teachers 

with lessons I have carried into adulthood.

Thank you.

 

This message came to mind today when I was given a writing prompt to reflect on a time I received or gave a compliment.

 

I was reminded of a quote I ran across this past weekend by James W. Hall from his essay "Back to School."  He says: 

 

For there is embedded in the academic process the secret, unexpressed belief that these books, these tests, these lectures and discussions will add up to some changed condition, 

an enrichment of the soul, and enlargement of the sense of human possibilities.

 

The best compliment I can ever receive from former students -- and I've had it a few times in my life, as evidence above -- is to be told that our class meant something to them in the life they are living now. From the girl that said she seemed to be the only one in her College Comp class that knew how to write a thesis statement, to the girl I only vaguely remember from the 2010-11 school year who messaged me recently, when a young person tells me that they can see how my class matters to them, well, that is the highest compliment I can be given. It means that my time spent choosing the right texts and the right activities and the right projects and discussions paid off.

 

It is why I teach.

 

Hall explains this in his essay: 

 

We teachers are not simply trying to make a better widget, or sell a better product, 

or design a better mousetrap. We are trying to re-create the world.

 

I believe in the world that can be created. And I relish my one small part in it.

Morning Song

Inspired this morning pretty directly by Joy Harjo's poem of the same name, this post comes with a lifting of anxiety and a clearer direction before me.

Although I quickly discovered Joy did not write this as a poem. It's a song! And she plays saxophone on it, too. This woman rocks my world! Give a listen.

The creative juices have been flowing these past 24 hours or so, and I feel on the brink of all things new.

Finally got out for a walk while it was still 70 degrees this morning. Took note of many things since I didn't have my phone with me. They made it into the poem below.

After writing with Harjo's text as a mentor, I realized that the ending of this was in Obama's speech to graduates last night. I love synchronicity!

The sun bright on the road

Thought by thought

Beauty by beauty

The ducklings looking for mom

Thought by thought

Beauty by beauty

The runners, bikers, dog walkers

saying hello

Thought by thought

Beauty by beauty

My creative juices flowing

A piece of beach limestone 

in my pocket 

Do not be afraid

Keep taking steps toward new realities

Do not be afraid

The Cookout

The Cookout

Flash Fiction from Grocery List website

INITIAL WRITING  (204 words)

It has taken me so long to get my dad to visit us since we moved to California. I just don’t want to screw this up. My husband Sam tells me, “DeeDee, don’t fret about it. It’s only for two days.” But man, I just know when he arrives I will be a basket of nerves.

This is why I’ve decided to go off my vegan diet and have a cookout. It’s been years since I grilled hamburgers and hot dogs on our hibachi. But I know dad will love it. Cheese, too – wow. Not in my diet. This is the only way I think I can make it through to meet his approval. Sam says, “DeeDee, just be yourself,” but how long has my father mocked me for refusing to wear leather or eat meat. He never understood, and I doubt he will now.

I have to show him I’m not afraid to change. That I don’t have to be like him – inflexible.  I can honor his choices. Sam doesn’t get it. He has told me ten times, “DeeDee, you put too much emphasis on stupid details that don’t matter.” But I ask you – if he were your dad, what would you do?

 (100 word)

DeeDee was already a jittery mess when her dad arrived early.

“We’ll be having a hamburger and hot dog cookout tonight. I thought you’d like that,” she said with an uneasy smile.

He cleared his throat and said, “Well, don’t go to any trouble.”

“It’s no trouble, dad.” She started to slice the tomato and onion.

“Uh,” he said. “Maybe we could just eat your vegan food. Doc says I should lay off red meat and salt. Could be a good change. ”

Unable to discern who he was, DeeDee dumped the food into the sink and left the room.

Write Around the Corner Prompts 5/16/2020

#WriteAroundtheCorner


Invitation to Write provided by Helen.

"Sifter"


Map of Creative Expressions

Jot down words and phrases of times you felt creative. Note: this isn't about being ARTISTIC. It's about creative expression.

Use different colors to make a collage of these creative memories.


Grocery List Flash Fiction

Find a grocery list on this site:

Found Grocery Lists

Write a flash fiction story incorporating items from the list.

Great fun...lots of laughs...highly creative!!!

 PS: Excellent resource for mindfulness poems. "Sifter" was found here.

Poetry of Presence

56. "Vulnerable Population"

#64Challenge

(Inspired by my readings today: Jack Kornfield's book A Lamp in the Darkness, and Nick Flynn's poem "Shipwreck.")

Even in ruins, some new life waits to be born.

Fix the mast, or build a new ship.

(Jack Kornfield)

Jack assures us through shared compassion we can make it through anything.

Then Nick comes along, talking deep about loss of things most important to us.

The shipwrecks of our lives leaving us stranded.

And I think of my classroom, the place that feeds me, the posters and my Dharma flag and the books I've lovingly curated just for my kids, the collective laughter and learning.

My awareness that this is all slipping away is high. I don't think we can just "fix the mast."

Nick likens our loss to birds floating in the sky above. We look to the sky to feel better. We wish we just knew the answers, could get a glimpse of the way.

We just want to know how to let go.

55. Stand in the Waterfall

#64Challenge

Yesterday I revisited a blog I set up called "Courageous Conversations," and found an essay I wrote about technology and education and being more aware of my students beyond the electronic data.

In it was a quote from Michael Meade:

A teacher has to stand in the waterfall with her students.

Somehow, I think I have found the water.

After writing about being a Joshua Tree in the desert, sustained only by hope and strength, being patient waiting for the flowers and the fruit, the game of slow change, I suddenly don't feel so dry.

My tears carried me here.

I cried a lot last Monday when I closed up my classroom. Then there was a photo and a video and emails and even a phone call with Hyundai about our car lease.

Tears. Tears. Tears.

Water carrying me.

It took a long time to see how to get across the technology and reach my students. Doesn't seem like it should be difficult, but I didn't know how to "stand in the waterfall" with them if I wasn't in front of them.

I'm realizing ways.

It's the phone calls directly to their cell phones. It's the texts. It's helping them through an assignment.

It's with my creative writers as I see them working out their own healing through a poem they have written. Some are downright heart wrenching. Yet, I can't help but think -- would this have risen up if we were in a classroom writing together, where the presence of others can intimidate?

Maybe. Maybe not.

I don't feel dry anymore. I'm finding the water.

And it's through writing, writing, writing. And the little reach out questions. Text me your favorite place to eat. Your favorite place to go. Answer the survey: who is better, Nemo or Dory?

Human touches. Seeing them. A small kind of listening.

Emoji smiles and hearts back. So much more personal than in the classroom.

This work matters.

I have seen where we are headed in the fall, with a lot more technology used in classes. I am not against it. But, this is teaching me that pieces of humanity need to stay intact. A simple question. A quick write. A poem read aloud.

Before I set them on a computer path, I want them to know I see them.

I want them to see me.

I've been feeling more seen these days, something I did not expect at all.

Refreshed.

I told my AP during my evaluation that I was well aware this time will provide new insights in how to teach. I don't know what they all are yet, but I'm getting an inkling.

This work matters. No matter where I am, no matter how near or far, I am their teacher.

I will stand in the waterfall with them.

P.S. As I was finishing this piece, this song was on my playlist. I didn't know why, but it seemed to fit  here perfectly.  Then I watched the video and all I could think was wow -- the energy here is so much like a middle school classroom!  It made me laugh.

Write Around the Corner Meeting Prompts 5/9/2020 (and song)

#WriteAroundtheCorner

1. Invitation to Write

This section of You are a Bad Ass by Jen Sincero

#2 Choose one of your daily rituals -- anything that is a typical part of your everyday life.

Now write about it -- fictionally or nonfictionally -- what would happen if your ritual got interrupted.


#3.  We all have friends that come and go in our lives, someone who was very important to us and then suddenly was no longer around.

Think about one of those friends and write, beginning with I remember...

Through My Window

#ThroughMyWindow

Rise and Shine prompt

The ripples in the water

the sun filtered by the palm...

Through my window I see 

everything depends on where I stand.

I can obscure the light or

I can stand fully in it.

The choice is always mine.

Through my window I witness

the vibrancy of nature

and I know that aliveness lives in me.

Through my window I know

that I'm always being carried

by the big sky, the wind,

and the very earth that grounds me.

Through my window are all the

elements that sustain:

light

earth

wind

sky

water

1967: A Micro Memoir

The beginning of my adolescence, 12-years-old, sometime around Christmas 1967 and I remember being at my cousin Joni's house, she a year older, and wiser, because she went to public school in an integrated city, where I was a Catholic school girl sheltered in the suburbs of Cleveland, and that night in her bedroom she taught me the new dance called "The Skate," said all the kids were doing it, and we played "Daydream Believer" over and over again and danced and danced until I was called to go home.

Now, years later, somehow"Daydream Believer" has become my lucky song. If it comes on the radio, I'm immediately singing and "Skating," even if I'm driving. And with the advent of YouTube, I can go and watch the "Official Music Video" for the song and enjoy my favorite Monkee Davy "Skate" while singing the song, just like I did with Joni back in 1967.

54. Jumbled Emotions and A Prayer

#64Challenge

So, this is how I walk away from the school year.

Not with the usual joy and relief. But with jumbled emotions that are hard to sort out.

I expected to walk into my classroom and burst out crying.That didn't happen.

I took pictures of what was left on my board at the end, including a couple messages from my 10th period kids:

We walked out that day not knowing what was to come. Then we found out.

I was unable to erase this, so I left it. I also left the words "Find Joy" on the little white board I was using for my monthly motto. It isn't time to wipe out that idea yet!

I had a list of things to do and I got right to work. I was done by 9:15, even though I had more time allotted. There wasn't much else to do.

I sat at my desk, in my new chair, and just stared at my room. I remembered the Creative Writers presenting their poems. I remember a relaxed final day. I remember laughter.

This was the year I hung my Dharma flag as a way to remember that in the challenges are opportunities. Where there is struggle, there is a hidden gift. A bit of Yin and Yang. I considered taking the flag down so I could ceremonially hang it again next year. But then I decided I wanted it there when I walk in next school year (which I pray begins in August as scheduled.)

In cleaning up files, a poem fell out of a folder. I had come across this poem in one of the poetry books I keep in the shelf. It had been put there many years ago, and is a favorite of mine by Clarissa Pinkola Estes. I used to have it memorized. Maybe it is time to commit it to memory once more.

A Prayer

Refuse to fall down.

If you cannot refuse to fall down,

refuse to stay down.

If you cannot refuse to stay down,

lift your heart toward heaven,

and like a hungry beggar,

ask that it be filled,

and it will be filled.

You may be pushed down.

You may be kept from rising.

But no one can keep you

from lifting your heart

toward heaven --

only you.

It is in the middle of misery

that so much becomes clear.

The one who says nothing good

came of this,

is not yet listening.

Walking in a Different Direction Part Two: Lakes Park

Today I finally did it. I pulled myself out of the house, into the absolutely perfect Florida May weather, and took a walk at Lakes Park. I know I have not been there in a long time, and I went with the purpose to do my usual loop through the woods.

Lone Palm Morning

I expected the usual Sunday crowd, but the people were few and far between. The pavilions and play areas are roped off, the exercise equipment fenced off, and the picnic tables overturned.


When I got there I changed my idea of where I wanted to walk. I decided to walk around the lake, rather than go into the wooded area. Very quickly I realized something -- when I have walked around the lake, I tend to start in the same place and walk in the opposite direction than I was walking this morning. And as I wrote about a few weeks ago, I was seeing a lot of things I haven't noticed before, getting glimpses of photo opportunities I rarely see.

Ibis Island

Walking Toward the Rising Sun

I had made up my mind just to walk and listen and watch. What I witnessed was a wildlife that is getting used to fewer humans. I could feel the lack of human dominance I usually associate with the park. (And that is with good reason: it's a wonderful park!)

One instance of this was a Little Green Heron that looked like it was going to walk across the path I was walking. I never see Herons doing that there, let alone the elusive Little Green. I trained my camera on him, but he stopped and eventually flew off.

Anhinga Rock

I took a few more pictures, then headed home with my sun roof open. The radio played a song that made me cry: Jerry Salley's "I Want to Thank You." It made me think about all the people in my life who encourage my faith and belief in myself and the goodness of the world.  It was a perfect way to begin my day.

Great Blue Heron Detail

Great Blue Heron Wide View

Write Around the Corner Meeting Prompts 5/2/2020

 #WriteAroundtheCorner

1. Began with this poem by Samuel Coleridge as an invitation/mentor:

2. Write down 3 nouns. Then write a short verse for each word. Connect the three if possible

3. Found poetry. Go back through any of your writing you have available. Fine some golden lines. Connect together into a new whole.

4. Chat Box Dialogue (repeat from a couple weeks ago.)

53. Ye Tang Che

#64Challenge

The first month of virtual teaching has been so darn stressful. I never wanted to go back to being a "first year teacher" but man, that is how it has been feeling.

The intense pressure to get it right, the missteps, the changing requirements, the frustrations, the exhausting Zoom meetings, the changing requirements, and oh yeah, did I mention the changing requirements?

I know, I know...we haven't done this before, everyone is figuring it out, blah blah blah.

By last weekend I was TOTALLY FED UP.  I was COMPLETELY EXHAUSTED.  So much so, I couldn't even enjoy my weekend. I kept falling into dark pools of tears, unable to lift myself out.

By Sunday, when I wrote ANOTHER depressing poem, my friend Laurie suggested I do something creative. I didn't feel like I had a creative bone in my body. But what I did have was a notebook, an array of colorful fountain pens, and my personal lifesaving device: Chapter 7 of Pema Chodron's book When Things Fall Apart: Heart Advice for Difficult Times.

I could read. I could make notes. I could doodle. Color always feels creative to me, so yeah, I'm was being creative.

But mostly it was the message I needed to hear from this wise work. Abandon Hope. Be Fearless.

It was easy to see what was bringing me down. It was my HOPE THAT THINGS WOULD GET BETTER.  The hope that I'D FINALLY FIGURE IT OUT.  The hope that OTHERS WOULD UNDERSTAND MY PLIGHT.

Guess what? Everyone else is feeling the same way. How are they going to save ME?

Pema says, We're all addicted to hope -- hope that doubt and mystery will go away. Abandon hope.

This upsets people. They don't want to hear it. In fact, I posted "Ye Tang Che" on Facebook and got "friendly" comments that I can't give up hope, blah blah...as if I was suicidal.

Ye Tang Che is the opposite of suicidal.

It is facing the realities we live with. The reality of who WE are. The reality that WE DON'T KNOW.

We can't escape that. Or ourselves. Hope that we can is what leaves us COMPLETELY EXHAUSTED.

Did I mention the title of this particular chapter in Pema's book is entitled "Hopelessness and Death."

The title alone would scare anyone away. But Pema promises early on:

If we're willing to give up hope that insecurity and pain can be exterminated, 

then we can have the courage to relax with the groundlessness of our situation. 

This is the first step on the path.

So, I decided to take the step. The step into Ye Tang Che. The step that does not include any ground under my feet.

I made a list for what I'd do Monday. A doable list. A list of things I know how to do. And I told myself -- just this, and nothing more. And I did the same for each day of the week.

I didn't look to anyone else to solve my problems. Or prop me up. Or make me feel like I'm doing it "right."

When something frustrated me -- I just bore witness. I would think, hmmm, I don't agree with that, but there it is.

I became a constant observer of myself. I made sure I got out of my chair. I looked and listened and followed through and ignored the dumb stuff.

Pema says that Hope and Fear are two sides of the same coin. Boy, don't I know THAT!

The steps I took this week has helped me lose the fear I was experiencing. The fear that I wasn't good enough, that I couldn't do this, that I was not doing as well as others, that this is never going to end.

Pema suggests we abandon hope to become fearless.

Now I am just letting the mystery be. I'm letting the doubt be. I'm observing. I'm listening. I'm not attaching myself to any wish list or certain outcome.

Years ago I made these for my team at Lehigh when we were going through a tough school year:

These four words are all I need right now. We have 4-5 weeks left, and with Ye Tang Che as my guide, I will not only make it through, I will survive AND know more about myself and getting through a difficult time than I ever thought possible.

There is a gift here. And it will serve me.