Solstice Gratitudes

 

I am grateful for books and music

I am grateful for my support systems

At Iona-Hope Church

Cypress Lake Middle School

My neighborhood

My enduring teacher friends far and wide

My classmates from SJA class of 1973

My family

Those that make me laugh

Those that cry with me

I am grateful for counselors and nurses

I am grateful for the level of health I do have

And that I am getting stronger every day

I’m grateful for my home

And that I have had so many holiday invitations

As the picture above illustrates

There appears to be duality in our lives

But it is all Oneness

Nothing is ever lost

So it doesn’t need to be found 

Stopped in My Tracks: Poem

I continue to enjoy going to my Lectio Divine group every Monday afternoon, and am now starting to assist in finding passages for our four part study and sharing. I offered to do December 30, with the idea of finding something for the new year.

I never expected to find what I did. When I read this poem, I had this overwhelming feeling of awe that something could address so many aspects of my life, including the word EMERGE, which was my word for this year.

Sandy, our leader, feels this is a perfect poem for us to do on the 30th, and I will sink into it deeper then. Right now I am just reading and letting the words wash over me, knowing I will continue to find this a map of sorts for the life I am now living.

FOR A NEW BEGINNING 

by John O'Donohue

In out-of-the-way places of the heart, 

Where your thoughts never think to wander, 

This beginning has been quietly forming, 

Waiting until you were ready to emerge.

For a long time it has watched your desire, 

Feeling the emptiness growing inside you, 

Noticing how you willed yourself on,

Still unable to leave what you had outgrown.

It watched you play with the seduction of safety 

And the gray promises that sameness whispered, 

Heard the waves of turmoil rise and relent, 

Wondered would you always live like this.

Then the delight, when your courage kindled, 

And out you stepped onto new ground,

Your eyes young again with energy and dream, 

A path of plenitude opening before you.

Though your destination is not yet clear 

You can trust the promise of this opening; 

Unfurl yourself into the grace of beginning 

That is at one with your life's desire.

Awaken your spirit to adventure;

Hold nothing back, learn to find ease in risk; 

Soon you will home in a new rhythm,

For your soul senses the world that awaits you.

Stopped in My Tracks: Song Lyrics

One Christmas, Margie and Paul gave Jim this book. It has been on his nightstand all these years, and I finally decided I should read it. It’s basically Willie telling stories and sharing his philosophies on life, along with corny jokes and song lyrics sprinkled throughout .  

The inside cover has a drawing he made of himself with autograph .

So I was reading along one day and was stopped in my tracks by some song lyrics I was not familiar with at all. The song is called “Always Now” and was on an album he released in 2008. The lyrics seared right through me. 

Check this out. 

As someone who is grieving a loved one who is “gone,” and thinking a lot about “past memories,” Willie’s song opened me up to the knowledge that it is all present to me now. It seems to match the experience I’ve been having lately. For a while I felt Jim intensely present, and then not. But then I settled into a place where our whole life together feels like now. And not in some “Helen is psycho” way, but in a natural way of understanding what is. 

I’m sure I’m not explaining it very well. That’s what song lyrics are for. Give a listen to this lovely Willie song.

Stopped in My Tracks: Fortune Cookie

I cannot believe I haven’t written on this blog in almost two weeks. It isn’t that I hadn’t thought of things to write about. It was more about gathering the focus to do so when other things were swirling around me. These last few weeks have found a decrease in the meetings and paperwork and such I was doing for so long, and has been replaced with parties and gatherings and decorating and my first book club meeting. 

One thing that occurred more than once is a moment of awe —something showed up that stopped me in my tracks and made me take notice. It helped turn the prism a little to see a slightly different color. I will be sharing these in the next few blogs, and will watch for new ones as I venture through life.

The first one came in a fortune cookie:

I had just finished my meal and opened this cookie and was stopped in my tracks. I set the message down on the counter and it has been there ever since. This little slip of paper gave me permission to not feel like I have to do anything. Sure, there are a gazillion things I can be doing around here on any given day. I will know when to do those things. And for the most part, it isn’t today, or maybe even this week. I am well aware I am still in healing mode, and grief mode, and pushing myself through cleaning out drawers or closets does not sound like where I need to spend my time. Instead, I socialize, read, enjoy binge-watching shows, and make sure I get good food in me every day. 

And breathing. Always breathing!

I don’t have to take care of everything. I only have to take care of me.

Just Living My Life

I recently joined Blue Skies, a social media site that has recently gotten popular. I find some good stuff on there, totally different than being on Facebook.

There is a writer/writing teacher that shows up on my feed named Joseph Fasano.  I need to investigate more about him, and today’s post really got me interested. I think I could use some creative inspiration like what happened here:

I don’t have his prompt, but I am going to write my version here spontaneously, based on affirmations I’ve given myself today.

AFFIRMATIONS

My energy returned today

I took some bold steps in my financial wellness

I let the blue sky draw my attention and bring me rest

I took care of things and that means mostly me.

I am living a new story, one I expected

A lot of the crazy emotions I’ve had

well, they have calmed down

I am off the roller coaster for now

and just living my life.

That’s the way it should be.

It’s about time!

 

The Pulling of Opposites

I didn’t write yesterday, and wasn’t planning on writing today because words seem to be hard to form.  My energy is on the low side, and I’m in a bit of a lull. Yet, I blew through the things in my “to-do” list before 8:30 this morning.

Then I saw this quote from Brene Brown in FB Memories and thought, yes, this is it:

Opposites are pulling at me constantly. I cried in church, then later was full of joy when walking the labyrinth.

My wound is healing but there is a great deal of swelling, making my belly feel sore and heavy. It is slowing me down and yes, feels a tad concerning. I’m going to my doctor tomorrow.

Last night my Lectio Divina group had a dinner. A lovely woman named Vicky gave us all reversible Christmas placemats she made. I was touched by her generosity and artistry. Okay…no opposite there. The evening was perfect.

I hate running the heat, yet today I keep turning it on and off.  Everything right now is too hot and too cold. Not quite me, but fully me somehow. 

It’s exactly what Brene says: stretch-marked and strong, worn and willing.

It’s okay to not know what this is about, and just go with it. Everything sorts itself out in time, right?

That Part of Me

While reading a novel yesterday,

the book The Year of Magical Thinking

by Joan Didion was mentioned.

I knew that she wrote it about the year after her husband died,

and even though it was published in 2005,

and I had avoided it until 2022, when I faced my fear

and read it.

There was a singular part

that stood out to me

when I read the memoir,

and I needed it yesterday.

See, I’ve been feeling off balance and unable to determine why.

But now I know.

The part of me reflected in Jim’s eyes

is gone.

It can’t be otherwise.

It’s what we lose and have to repair when someone dies.

I’m finding it difficult to lose the anxiety on this.

I looked up the review I wrote on Good Reads,

and just as I suspected

I had documented the part that mattered most.

That spoke the loudest.

As it does today.

I have to allow the mourning is not just for Jim,

but for who I was in his presence.

My anxiety is that I am not sure who I am without him. 

I am hoping that knowing this will help me move forward

without looking for something that is no longer there.