Pic Collage 1982-84

I originally planned to do this series of posts last spring. After realizing I need to focus back to the happy times, and put aside the sad memories of this year, I decided to move forward on this idea.

The year 1993 was a life-changer for Jim and me. That June, a disc in his back blew out and he had to have surgery. This created a precarious situation. We had just built a new house two years prior, and we relied heavily on his income. He ended up on disability, and many things about our lives were forced to change.

This year reminded me a bit of 1993. I had to pull myself together in ways I never had to before. I had to live with underlying fear of where things were heading.

That Christmas we did not have the funds we typically had to spoil each other. I decided to go meaningful, and created a picture collage of photos I felt represented our years together to date. On the back I assigned a word that applied to each picture, and a little note on why.

Today I share the first three years. In subsequent posts I will share the rest.

CONFIDENCE

Jim took this photo of me standing on a large rock by Coe Lake which was behind my studio apartment. It was a beautiful autumn day in 1982, and I was feeling deeply confident about my life and direction. I note that confidence came from what Jim did for me when he came into my life. It’s amazing how we can get beaten down by others and not even know it until someone comes along and does the opposite.

HAPPINESS

This photo was taken by his sister Diane on my 28th birthday in 1983. Our first year together was full of all the happiness I could possibly imagine. We were making plans and setting a direction together. It was wonderful to have a partner like Jim. 

FUN

I have already written about the summer of 1984 on this blog on June 7. This was the first year of my life I felt good enough about myself and my body to wear a bikini! We had lots of weekend parties, and I learned to golf. I was succeeding at my job. It remains in my mind a very positive and exciting time.

Friday Afternoon Think Aloud

This week, my spirits have been very good. It isn’t that I haven’t cried – – I’ve done plenty of that.

I’m sleeping well, taking care of myself, eating well, healing well, reading a lot, and getting a ton of things done.

When things go awry, I’m finding I don’t get stressed and anxious like I did even just a couple weeks ago. I don’t overblow things in my head like I think I have for a long time. I have a renewed sense of “everything will work out.”

The images of Jim being ill seem to be minimizing. In retrospect, it has become clear to me that ever since his stroke in 2020 it was a long downhill slide that just got worse and worse. This was confirmed to me when I went through this giant stack of papers he had on his side of the bedroom. As I went back through the stack, I saw that the oldest ones were from 2020. That stroke probably did more damage than we realized.

So this afternoon, I started thinking about what the difference is now. Sometimes I wonder why I’m not feeling worse. I’m in grief. I have a million things to do, tons of stuff to figure out, and things I’ve taken on that I need to follow through on. Why am I not as stressed as I have been for so long?

And then I realized something very important. The major difference between now and before Jim made his transition is that I had to keep seeing him getting worse, in pain, uncomfortable.. I can see now what a huge stress that was on me. There was a lot of fear associated with it that never went away. And as things kept sliding downhill, and then I got ill, damn, it was just so much.

The other night I watched the Townhall CNN did with Kamala Harris. And there was a part late in the session where she was asked about her proposal to have Medicare pay for Home Healthcare (something I know is needed—it’s a huge issue). She talked poignantly about how when someone you love is sick and they pass away, you want to remember them when they were vibrant and alive, and not like they were at the end. 

It hit me in that moment how much I kept thinking about Jim the way he was these past few months. This last year, really. This was not pleasant, and the images kept popping up and making me sad. Understanding this has helped a lot. So now I’m doing my best just to remember him before the 2020s. It feels so long ago because, well, it was!

I feel I’m doing all the right things, and I believe everything will get done in time. As Annmarie pointed out to me recently, that’s all I can do. The next right thing.

Singing with the Elvis mic at Sun Studios 2014

Nothing Burgers and Modern Art

Since my car accident, I have completely avoided driving the road where the crash occurred. In the beginning, I was pretty terrified at the prospect. Later, after the long hospital stay, I might not have been as afraid, but I still was unsure about making the commitment to turn onto A&W Bulb Road.

Then yesterday I had a dentist appointment. I knew the fastest and best way to go was to take that road. And so I gathered my courage and I did it.

It turned out being a nothing burger.

I thought I would recognize where the accident took place. Nope.

Facing my fear, though, sure made me euphoric. It’s amazing how things get built up in our minds when they really are a whole lot of nothing.

I hope to remember this more often in the future.

Now here is a little modern art I colored today. 😊

Taking Care of Myself

I’m tired today!

The last two days I’ve expended a ton of energy on details. I met with our estate attorney and  I spent a ton of time canceling Jim’s credit cards and changing billing information on a several websites. I filled out paperwork and, in general, I felt pretty accomplished.

It has caught up to me today. I’m fried.

When I get up the first thing I do is read a chapter in the grief book a friend gave me. Today it was on taking care of myself.

That is my aim today.

1. I have 3 phone calls to make.

2. I have a dentist appointment.

3. I will make myself a nice dinner.

In between, I will rest and read. This is my commitment to my grieving self.

Everything that needs to get done will get done.

Today won’t be that day.

This Part of the Journey (and Journal) is Done

Today I wrote the final pages of a journal I started June 12th.

This represents the toughest part of my entire life to date. I can’t imagine things will ever be this challenging again, but I’m not tempting the universe to prove me wrong. Really.

Here are some of the final words I wrote:

I’m glad many things are getting settled. Im glad Jim is not struggling and suffering anymore. I’m glad I 100% supported him and have no regrets at all.

I was with him every step of the way.

And now it’s a new life. So far, so good.

Jim—I love you forever and ever

And you will always be with me.

Then I put on “Helen Sadler’s Station” on my Apple Music and the first song that came up was Rodney Crowell’s “Making Memories of Us.”

I cried and cried…a pure combination of sadness at the loss and the happiness of the memories.

Tomorrow begins a new journey to record. 🌻

(Keith Urban’s live version of the song is perfect!)

Coming Out of a Long Struggle (Lectio Divina #2)

Something changed for me yesterday.

Prompted by things that have been happening, some communication I was doing with Jim, and reading that was inspiring me, I came back to myself.

At one point, I looked at my blog from September. I was particularly taken with the one where I had a picture of Alice in Wonderland looking at herself in a pond. At the time I had just been moved to a different hospital and I was wondering who I even was. I didn’t have my rituals. I wasn’t able to see my husband. I felt pretty lost. 

Somehow revisiting that time was good for me. I realized how far I have come from those days, and suddenly I just felt settled into the way things are. All day I felt it. I was doing a lot of reading. The company came and picked up all these oxygen supplies that have been sitting around here. Adios to that! I had a good trip to Target. And I went to Lectio Divina.

There we had a reading (find it below)where two things stuck out to me.

Struggling means living.

Divided parts/ integrated whole

I wrote this prayer:

Dear God, when I turn to you, you never let me down. In my anxiety and struggle, you gently lead me. Listening with faith, trusting your wisdom is what works. It’s the connection. The ability to have someone point the way. Intuition is God— is You. The miracle is always in the moment – – the miracle to release the struggle and feel alive. The miracle to heal the wounds, be energetic and free. There are a lot of people in the world who speak inspiring words. May I listen and honor the wisdom that comes my way over and over. Acknowledge them. Be grateful.🌻

So that took care of the struggle part.

Then I started to reflect on the parts versus the whole. I reflected:

I just looked at the scar on my arm, I thought of the bruise still on my right breast, and the open wound by my bellybutton. These are parts, but they don’t divide me. They are somehow integrating me into wellness.

Then I thought of Alice again.  I used her name to write an acrostic.

Alice was looking and I tried to look, but could not see.

Lately that is changing. I feel more like me.

In my tears and writing and walking and reading and chores and music listening, I’m coming back.

Can’t say anything will be the same as it was, but why would I want it to be?

Everything is temporary… Even the me I am today.

Intuition

 Way back in 2003, a friend gave me a dystopian novel called Just a Couple of Days. This book has been on my shelf all these years and I finally read it over this past month.

The book held my attention, although I actually wouldn’t recommend it. But last night while I was reading, something jumped out at me and it made me wonder… How is it we find what we need at the exact moment we probably need it?

It was this quote on page 329:

Faith is the genuine trust in intuition.

This year I have thought a great deal about faith and trust, but I haven’t thought a lot about intuition. But isn’t that what’s always happening?

Yesterday was a great example. Right before I went to church, I was having trouble with my printer. I looked up how to fix it according to the error code I was getting, and decided that I would figure it out when I got home from church. There appeared to be several steps that were unnerving me. This caused me anxiety. Right now I don’t need anything going wrong, even an error code on my printer. I would just like to get through a day without having to handle some kind of a crazy thing.

So it was on my mind while I was at church, and I found myself praying for an answer. I’m not sure why it had me so upset, but it did and I was trying very hard to hold it together.

Near the end of the service, I heard a little voice tell me that when I get home do research again and go from there. I realized that the information I had was from 2019, and I thought well, I’ll look and see if there’s anything more recent. Well, there was and it fixed the problem pronto with a couple easy steps. Where is my faith? My trust? Am I selling myself short?

Were my prayers answered in church? Or was it my intuition?

Are they the same thing?