This morning on my way to get a warm-up on my coffee, I noticed the sky.
I took my coffee and granola bar out to the lanai, and sat with the sunrise. It was remarkable. I felt calm and brave. An osprey came and sat on the porch next door, keeping me company.
Then the osprey and the brilliant sky were gone. Another reminder on how fleeting beauty and companionship can be. Best to recognize it when it is here. My total time outside probably wasn’t much more than 5 minutes. This is what was left:
Yesterday, my sister asked me if I was coming to Ohio for Christmas.
I told her no, mostly because of health reasons
But in reality, I have no desire to travel during the busy holiday season.
Still, it brought up that I’ve been feeling uneasy about Christmas
Would I decorate?
Would I listen to Christmas music?
What would I do on the actual day?
And once I answered her question, I realized I needed to put some thought into this.
I took my journal and went out to the lanai on a gorgeous day
And I quickly realized this is all in my hands
I thought about all the ways Jim and I reimagined Christmas as we needed to
And that I could surely do the same
Then I got excited about listening to Christmas music.
And I thought yes, I can decorate as much as little as I want to.
The only rules are the ones I made for myself.
I might decide to write cards.
I might decide to buy gifts.
Right now, I’m not sure what direction I will take
But I am clear that it will be wonderful, and just what I want it to be.
Look at you
in Canyon De Chelly, 1986
You liked that tree
And asked me to take this picture
It was a trip of discovery
We went with an idea in mind
Of the places we would visit
And it became so much more
This canyon and Walnut Creek Canyon
And Oak Creek Canyon
And even Sedona, which wasn’t a “thing” at the time
This was a reverse honeymoon
As we didn’t have plans to marry
But then we did four months later
After Scott barely survived a motorcycle accident
Everything about life takes twists and turns
Accidents and recommendations
Then encountering a tree
And photographing the moment.
Journal entry
Even when the loss of a loved one comes after a long illness…we must step over into a new country. The colors are different, the air has a different feel, and the sounds have a different echo than they did before…And we learn the colors and sounds of this new world, and after a while it becomes our world.
From Healing After Loss
I am feeling this. For a while, I kept seeing this place as “our home,“ but slowly that has changed. It is now feeling like “my home.” My first step in this was putting away the toaster that only Jim used, and then I changed up the sideboard. There is more to do.
My morning pace is much the same, but my days are quite different.
Kara sent me a card and wrote a gorgeous message in it. She said:
Jim is always with you and your heart, cheering you on from up above. I know he’s proud of you and still loving you with the essence of his being.
To this, I say yes yes yes!
Much of what I feel now is what I felt when I got divorced – – feeling my way through, figuring things out, making the evening mine and in a way that feeds me. And at that time, I had a solid grip on who I was becoming, and had entered the adventure willingly.
Although I didn’t enter this part of my life willingly, I knew it was coming, so all I can do is embrace it. The alternative is just too glum to think about. I can pace things out in a way that works for me.
So I set small goals for the week, and I break those up into the days. Little by little everything that needs to get done gets done. I really have nothing but time at this point.
Today I came across the coloring page that I posted above, and that motivated the title of this blog post. I recognize this place as Monument Valley, a place Jim and I visited in 1986. What we saw there was a dust storm, but also a lot of beauty. I have entered a new country, but there is always a rainbow above me and as I’ve said before, I have mighty helpers surrounding me. I don’t take any of this for granted. And I know that my strength comes from everything that Jim gave me starting over 40 years ago. I couldn’t be more thankful.
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| Jim in Monument Valley with dust devils in distance |
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| Many movies made here. Wagon is from a John Wayne film. |
I have not been able to stop reflecting on how great the day went when we honored Jim. I knew right away something had shifted, although I couldn’t quite figure out what it was.
But now I think I know. After Jim passed, I kept having these flashbacks of him in the hospital, and how miserable he was, and how he slowly was getting sicker and sicker. I didn’t want to think about those things, and I tried to replace it with other memories, but it never seemed like I could do enough.
Once I spent time in a room with so many great people, and we read through the tributes sent to us by people who had known him for over 40 years, I finally got steeped back into who he really was, and all the things that he had done for other people. It made it really real. The family picnics. The way he helped people in large and small ways. And the dynamite grilled cheese sandwich he could make! His easy going personality, his patience with and love of children, and just the many dimensions our prism of life together took.
November 9th is a day I will never forget because of the great memories shared in front of a sea of smiling faces of some of the best people I know.
(The pictures below were taken by these attendees by request. I did not get pictures of everyone.)
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| With Susan and Natalie from Lehigh days |
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| Stacy…friends since 1993 |
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| Katie, Honey, Wendy, me, Debbie, Angela from CLMS |
Every Monday late afternoon I participate in Lectio Divina, a contemplative prayer practice. The group of ladies I sit with (2 others with the name Helen) bring a lot of grace and insight into my life. I’m slowly getting to know them, and am grateful.
It was a rough election week, and I’ve done my best to guard myself from getting too involved in the chaos. I feel I’ve succeeded, as I haven’t had the anxiety and stress I’ve witnessed in others.
Our reading this past week was from a YouTube conversation between Adam Bucko and Mark Longhurst, the title “Letting Heartbreak Be Your Guide.” The segment we looked at was about being receptive to deep listening and wrestling with tough questions. It was definitely a very timely choice.
There was one sentence that really stood out to me:
The contemplation part is the receptivity and consent, and the action part is simply letting God live through us as much as possible, letting Christ live and love and protest through us.
Protest? How often do we hear that word when discovering the role of God in our lives? I am still contemplating this, especially as there are many planning their resistance to things that could happen in our country that are hateful and wrong.
It’s another reminder that we are all the voice of God in this world, and the intentions we have and the actions we take are important. Definitely something to contemplate on a daily basis.
On the way home, which is about a 3 minute drive, I heard this song by Maren Morris. It seemed to fit with my experience with the prayer group, and is a great message overall.
This morning on my way to get a warm-up on my coffee, I noticed the sky. I took my coffee and granola bar out to the lanai, and sat with th...
